We all hate air travel. More to the point, we all hate airlines. They do as they want with complete disregard to their passengers. I once flew via US Airways on a trip to Vegas on a plane that I'm convinced was being held together by duct tape alone. Duct tape holding the tray tables up. Duct tape around the window frames. Duct tape doing 'God knows what' on the ceiling. But hey, the flying duct tape bucket got me there on time, and that's more than I can say for my recent bout with United ... Three times ... In one day.

I got up at 3 am to be sure I had time to get to the airport, return the evil rental car, check in my luggage and sit patiently for 30 minutes before boarding time. All was going well until the luggage check in.

Ticket Agent: Are you on our 6 am flight?
Me: Yep
Ticket Agent: Oh wowww.. You didn't hear? You flight is delayed.
Me: I didn't get an alert. When did this happen? How long is it delayed?
Ticket Agent: About 20 minutes ago. It's delayed till around 8
Me: Then I'm going to miss my connecting flight. What are my options?
Ticket Agent: Ummmm... there's another connecting flight but it's two hours later than your connecting flight now.
Me: Well... aren't I going to be two hours late? That means it'll work. Book it.
Ticket Agent: Oh wowwww... it won't let me change your flights. You need to call United's 800 #.
Me: Isn't there a special phone # for people you just screwed?
Ticket Agent: Noooo... sorry.

After 40 minutes on hold on the United 800 # I tell this new guy my story...

United agent: We can book you on a new flight from where you're at now that leaves at noon but there's two connecting flights to your destination.
Me: Look... I don't need a new flight from here. Keep me on the same flight. I need a new connecting flight.
United agent: But the current flight is delayed. You're going to miss the second flight.
Me: EXACTLY. I NEED a NEW SECOND FLIGHT
United agent: But I can book you on a plane from NYC that's on time.
Me: I just turned in my rental car. I'm stuck in this shit hole. Work with me!
United agent: There's a flight that leaves for Seattle at 5 pm tonight.
Me: Are you even looking at my reservation? I'm going to So Cal. Give me anything in SO CAL. San Diego, LA, Orange County, whatever. I'll take anything. 
United Agent: Are your flying dates flexible?
Me: I'M SITTING AT THE AIRPORT! Remember? The rental car? That was like 3 minutes ago that I told you I just returned it. Where could I have wandered off to between now and then?
United Agent: Sorry ma'am.
Me: How about the flight that's scheduled to leave 2 hrs after my currently reserved connecting flight.
United Agent: Oh, yes, that plane has open seats available.
Me: BOOK IT.

Two hours later I land in airport #2. As I turn on my cell phone, I get an Alert from United that my first plane was delayed for 2 hours. At this point I call my mom to let her know I would be late. After all I've got dogs I'm supposed to be picking up in various locations, work to get back to, and a life to resume. I relayed to her the chaos that ensued before flight #1 and we're laughing about the insanity of it all, naively thinking it's all behind us. We hang up. I sigh, and start my trek to the departing gate where I anticipate an hour wait. Then I glance at The Board of Flights. Oh my God. Rescheduled United Flight 0391... Rescheduled ...6 PM! It's only 11 now!

Some guy walked up next to me and bangs my arm with his bang. What an asshole. Then he drops a GIANT F BOMB and throws his baseball cap at the screen. I know he's on my flight, and I instantly like him. And suddenly he's way hotter than he was 30 seconds ago, (apparently I like a well executed outburst, who knew? lol)  "Flight 0391?" I said.  "NOT IF I CAN HELP IT!" he yells and storms away. So I call my mom and tell her about the latest catastrophe, and that the dogs will need to be re-routed. She's expecting company, and suddenly my delays aren't so funny. United is ruining lives from one coast to the other! Insanity.

So I try to fill my time. I eat, I get the most obscene sized frappuchino that Starbucks offers and give myself a decent case of brainfreeze, I wander, I pretend to shop. I'm officially an airport gypsy. That's when I notice my cell phone battery was starting to get low because of my constant checking on my flight status and my angry facebook posts. Uh oh ... I packed my charger in my luggage. No more facebook, no more flight updates. I need to conserve energy. My netbook is already down to half power from the first delayed flight, so I'm hesitant to use that one either. I need to buy a cell phone cord, but there's no electronics accessory store in this airport.Greaaat. Then I remember having seen those portable battery operated chargers that are already charged. Yay! I go to the store, find one that fits my phone, make sure it says on the box that it's already fully charged and I throw 30 bucks at the cashier and start ripping open the box as I walk over to an empty gate area. I couldn't have been happier putting all the pieces together, knowing I had solved my power issue. I plug it in to my phone, and ... nothing. It's completely dead. Ugh. I read the meager directions included, thinking somehow I must have set this thing up wrong. I had it right. It was just dead. But! The directions DO say that you can plug this device into your computer to re-charge it! So I make the decision to sacrifice the netbook for the good of the cell phone. I'll charge the charger with the remaining netbook battery and then hook the charger up to my cell phone. I'm brilliant! Sorry about your luck netbook! And it works! But I still conserve battery power on the cell because we're only at the half way mark, and God knows whats going to happen from here on out.

While draining and charging, some girls sit at the nearly empty gate. They like my bag, so I like them. Apparently they're nomads from northbound flight that was cancelled. They're on standby. They've been wandering for an hour ... (amateurs). One of the girls notices water dripping from the ceiling with a trash can underneath it. "You should have seen it before, it looked like a waterfall", I said. "How long have you been here?" they ask. "Four hours", I said. They look at me in amazement. I'm not sure whether to be embarrassed or wear it like a badge of honor. I chose honor, lol. I smile and nod my head, "Yep, three more hours to go". One of the girls suggested we go to the smoking lounge. Smoking Lounge?! I was soooo there.

Let me tell you a little about the Smoking Lounge. It's a big glass box with a half assed ventilation system. The best thing to compare it to would be something you would stick an Iguana in. The smoke was so thick in this pseudo room that when the door opened, it was much like when a space ship opened it's door in a SciFi movie. Your eyes burn, the air is thick, and yet any smoker would shut up and sit down gladly. We did. 30 minutes later we departed from the hot boxed room smelling like we'd been through a fire and we were fine with it. The girls managed to get on the next flight out.

After a few more hours of wandering and battery conserving, the plane comes in. 30 minutes late, but it comes in. Finally, light at the end of the tunnel! We board, we sit, we listen to the safety instructions. The jet powers up and I'm happy as can be, when the captain comes on the loud speaker, "Sorry folks, we're down to two runways right now. We've also got an unscheduled plane that just landed. It looks like we're going to be delayed". I swear to you, I burst out laughing. Can this really be happening? We were SO CLOSE! So so very close. Sigh...

It was 7 pm when we finally left on our six hour journey to So Cal. There was turbulence 90% of the way. After six hours in the dark, unable to sleep, we all departed the plane completely defeated and disheveled. Myself and my fellow former gypsies shuffled down to the baggage claim area and stared at the motionless carousel. And airport attendant spoke up, "Are you guys from United flight 0391?", everyone turned and looked at him, "Your luggage has been here all day. It's against the wall". After collecting my luggage and getting my car out of hawk in the airport parking lot I drove home with all the windows down and the stereo full blast so I made it home alive. It was midnight when I got there. 24 hours of pure airplane hell. I wonder when I'll get the notice that my second flight was delayed.

1. Be there at 7:30 am actually means be there at 8 am.
2. There is indeed metal in my super cute boots.
3. If the room is sporting 3 inch books and 1,000 piece puzzles, it's gonna take a while.
4. Moving from one room to another is a lot like herding cattle, sans the cattle prod.
5. They need cattle prods.
6. Some members of the public think 'business attire' is pink boardshorts paired with a baby blue graphic tee and fanny pack.
7. Male jurors act like Jerry Lewis when faced with a woman in a suit.
8. Said male jurors say ridiculous things to suit wearing women.
9. Bailiffs don't like when you chew gum.
10. Bailiffs really don't like when you do it twice ... in less than 10 minutes.
11. I really like to chew gum, and piss off bailiffs.
12. My County does NOT like to excuse jurors. They have day care for ppl with kids, and for those without transportation, your jury badge will get you a free ride on the bus.
13. All the potential jurors who filled out the hardship form were wearing excellent suits.
14. I had to fill out the hardship form because my suit was excellent.
15. The term Personal Hardship can be dragged kicking and screaming into gray area of question-ability.
16. I should have been a lawyer.

I need rain boots. I've finally given up on hating the rain and decided to embrace it. So like any shoe loving woman would, I start the search online. I'm pretty short, 5'2" to be exact. Some of these rain boots are so tall they look like they belong on Julia Roberts in pretty woman. I know my life isn't all that exciting but I don't need rain boots smacking me in the crotch while I'm trying to navigate through a storm. OK that's an exaggeration. They're still too tall though, lol. All was going well until I found a pair of rain boots that were the perfect height, perfect pattern, and perfect design ... other than the weird sole, but I was willing to over look that part, lol. I click the link and what do I see? "Made with 100% water based adhesives". Hmmm... ok, interesting choice for RAIN boots... I read on... "Vegan".  Really? Ok. Reading further... "Recycled cardboard shanks" This one I had to search. Even though I've never been to jail, I certainly watch too much TV, and to me a cardboard shank sounds like a weapon for an incredibly stupid prisoner, or somebody trying to give a really nasty paper cut. After some research it turns out the shank is the part of the shoe that runs between the heel and the outsole, and sits under the arch of the foot. They're typically made of metal or plastic, so I don't feel real good about cardboard. Next! "Entirely bio-degradable sole". So that ugly sole is going to bio-degrade on me? Entirely? Greaaat, lol.  That last one killed this cute lil boot for me. It had too many strikes against it. These things have got to be the most Eco boots on the planet, and that's great! I'm all for re-use and recycle when it makes good sense,  but a rain boot that's basically glued cardboard and a bio-degrading sole together with  water soluble solvents for use in rain? Shame, they were cute.

I am immune to a lot of things ... babies, kittens, flowers, chocolates, etc. But God help me, old folks are my kryptonite. I just can't save myself from old people. I will buy whatever it is they're selling. I will stay and listen to whatever rambling message they're trying to give me. I've even sat through a horrible visit while being shown scars, yes scars, with a smile on my face. I let them wander blindly in front of me in a line at the store with their cart full of 99 cent items while I stand there with only a loaf of bread. I'll even sit through an angry old folk tirade aimed in my general direction and never bat an eye.

Except for Black Friday. >:)   Black Friday it's every man for themselves, granny. I can't wait for Thanksgiving!

 

Shopping cart jams in the aisles are endless everywhere you go. Same with people traffic through a mall. Massive nasty jam ups that are totally avoidable if people would follow the rules of the road in the store. North bound on the right, South bound on the left. Same goes for east and west. It seems so simply obvious to me that it amazes me that shopping is such a nightmare, and I know that we don't have a bunch of Europeans all over the place screwing up the works since they drive on the other side of the road, lol. In addition there's a few other issues I've noticed. Men ... when you stop to get something in an aisle, pull the cart over to the side. You don't get out of your car in the middle of the street and walk away leaving everyone to go around you, so why would you leave your cart in the middle of the aisle blocking everyone?  Parents, please have your kids in check. You don't let them get out in traffic every time you stop the car and let them leap frog down the road, so why are they doing it down the cereal aisle? Folks that go to the mall to catch up with 10 of their closest friends rather than shop, please go to the center of the mall or the food court. You're blocking the precious 5 ft of space that allows for people traffic to shuffle through. And just for good measure since we're talking about shopping ... Kiosk people, no means no, if you spray me with anything or grab me in any way, I'm taking you to the floor, lol.

The fact that I see these signs posted at restaurants that are no where near the beach, where this type of situation would be prevalent, disturbs me. But, alas, rules are made because some idiot somewhere has gone awry and waltzed into a Red Robin half naked demanding a burger and now we're all subjected to stupid signs and rules of some sort. The same goes for business. Some comatose co-worker does something ridiculous and the next thing you know, there's an extra page added to your 'used to be simple' form. Stupid rules are made when stupid people do stupid things. Sane people of the world, we're under attack. These people are making our lives harder and our work longer. They have to be stopped. I would assume it wouldn't be difficult since they seem to take the easiest route possible in every situation. How about pointing a sign off a cliff that says "Free Cheese"?

Last night I was sitting in the living room watching T.V. when one of my dogs farted. They looked at each other, then looked at me and walked out of the room. What kind of crap is that?!  I yelled after them, " No way are you pinning that shyt on me!". Then I thought, I'm arguing with dogs? Why do I need to convince the dogs I didn't fart? One of them KNOWS I didn't, because it was them! Now I just need to figure out which dog I need to convince, lol. Yep, stick me in a straight jacket. I've obviously lost my mind.

Diets suck. What makes diets worse is bad diet food. Sadly I have a almost 2 hour commute daily and have lots to do when I get home to make up for my 12 hr absence.  I need low cal food that's going to be ready, FAST. I have seen Lean Pockets on every trip to the store and never bought them. Then I was lured in by a coupon that I received by that little machine @ the register that vomits coupons when you pay.  $1 off. Why I was taken in by a single friggin dollar off coupon is a subject for another blog. Anyway, I'd like to post some warnings for those of you that may also somehow end up with a box of these.

#1 Two "pockets" come in a box. The first one isn't for eating, it's actually a "Test Pocket". This one will most likely explode or become so glued to the sleeve that it will be rendered inedible. This test pocket is so that you can adjust the cooking time from Explosion, to simply Lava.
#2 The pocket will most likely not fit in the sleeve. Just cram in it there as best you can which will break off the entire top of the pocket. Now you have yourself a Lean non-pocket openfaced lava hot sandwich
#3 Make your pocket well in advance of being hungry. I'm not sure how long it takes these things to cool down, but I waited 10 minutes and still lost the roof of my mouth.
#4Don't expect it to be good. First, it is diet food, after all. Second, this is the red-headed stepchild of the Hot Pocket. If pepperoni pizza really tasted that bad, there wouldn't be a pizza joint on every corner.


Now I'm going to go wash my burnt to smithereens mouth out with salt water as punishment for falling for that $1 off coupon.

Once upon a time, there was this loud bratty little girl. She would stand on the stage in the mall and sing and dance. Things haven't changed so much in 30 some years. I'm still loud. I'm too old to be called bratty, but there's a new "B" word I hear often that seems to fit. I don't sing and dance on the stage at the mall anymore. Do malls even have stages anymore? Probably not. They're probably considered dangerous now, lol. Everything is deemed dangerous these days. Do you remember the Old School Chuck E Cheese? It was friggin awesome! It was made up of 10 rooms of darkness and danger. Woodpaneled sharp edged awesomeness! You could hide from your parents for HOURS. We did. It was great. A couple years ago I went to a birthday party at Chuck E Cheese for one of my friends children ... it's ruined!! It's one giant brightly lit room full of rounded corners. I challenge you to get injured in that place. Injuries build character, people. I can think of about 10 instances off the top of my head where I've scarred myself for life BUT, also learned the lesson, "I'll never do that shyt a second time". For instance, putting remote control cars under your feet and hitting go. It still sounds like fun, and may actually work if not executed by a 7 yr old, but the forever lump on my skull says to me, I'll never do that shyt a second time.